10 Ways to Survive Grief, Loss and Change through the Holidays

The family gathered around my sister’s dining room table. Her centerpiece was stunning and the table setting was flawless. The smells of the turkey with all of the fixings wafted through the air and mixed with the sounds of all the children playing together in the living room. I sat at the table numb and alone, waiting for the crowd and the festivities to join me in the dining room. That Thanksgiving was a mere 22 days or so since I delivered our stillborn son. And while I felt grateful for my whole and happy family, there was a part of me that just wanted to stand up and remind everyone that something cataclysmic had happened. Something so terrible that the world should have stopped because mine sure did. 

I had no idea how I was going to get through a dinner of happy chatter and expressed gratitude when I felt so detached and alone. How could I be thankful for Thanksgiving?  

Thanksgiving is an excruciatingly hard time when you’re grieving at the same time.

But there are other situations that can make Thanksgiving sad or even a little difficult.

The first Thanksgiving after my only sibling’s divorce was strange. After decades of celebrating together as two couples with lots of children as first cousins, we became an incomplete group. The dynamic simply changed.

A couple of years ago too, my sister and I came to the determination that a big double family celebration was just more than we could handle anymore – a pragmatic and sensible approach, but still a loss.

Now with adult children of my own, I watch the Friendsgiving of my oldest sons and their wives many hours away via Facebook pictures. The married children have other feasts at other homes to go to, not necessarily here. Some of my children have even traveled to different countries over the holidays instead of joining the family.  

It’s not just death that divides us!

The holiday has the potential to be fragmented in so many ways. We live in a post-COVID world. Some people remain split with hurt feelings over differences in vaccines and masks. Sometimes family members breakup over little slights, hurts, and misunderstandings, especially over silly things like politics. No one died, but the death of a relationship is still a loss. 

One of the hardest things about Thanksgiving Day, and the Christmas holidays, is dealing with loss and grief. It’s just difficult to be in the holiday season when you are still dealing with sadness over the death of a loved one, the loss of a marriage, or the snub of a family member over your vaccination status.

But there are some ways to make the holidays bearable and even pleasant. 

 Here are some things that have worked for me in the past.

1. Grieve. Take the time to be sad, angry, quiet, or talkative about the lost loved one. I really think we do grief badly in this country. It’s almost as if the day after the funeral, life should be back to normal, but for someone who has lost a dear friend or a loved one, that “normal” life is over and it takes time to find out what the new normal is.

2.  The same will be true for families after a divorce, a serious illness, or for families with loved ones not able to be with them for the holidays. It’s okay to be sad about that and to miss the familiar.

3. It sounds like a cliche but it’s true – time really does take the sting of the pain away. Not that it’s ever gone all the way, but the intense, breath-sucking sadness does fade with time – take hope in that.

4.  Don’t set anything in stone. Life changes. A lot. Be flexible enough to change with and enjoy each season for the blessings that come with it.

5. Make new traditions that include your deceased loved one if that helps. We have visited my baby’s grave site every Christmas Eve since the year he died. We put little tea lights out, sprinkle the grave with glitter and sing Silent Night. It has become our ritual. Since 2009 we have included my mom’s grave too. We aren’t alone. The cemetery can be a beautiful place at Christmas time with wreaths and decorations. I found a lot of comfort and even cheer in seeing that.

6. But some changes are just challenging to make. If your loss has been so great that you just feel numb and traumatized, there’s no law against having a smaller Thanksgiving celebration – maybe go out to eat instead of fixing a big spread, or maybe just a simple meal at home surrounded by things and people that are comforting. Maybe this is the year to just be quiet, be still, and just let your body and spirit feel soothed.

7. Or really change it up. A few years ago my kids ran a race for the homeless on Turkey Day. It was a totally different kind of Thanksgiving Day than I ever remembered – it was fun and it was for a good cause. One year we helped out with Mobile Meals and that was a great way to change things up as well.

8. A loss is a loss. You can’t pretend it didn’t happen nor should you. Find a way to memorialize a lost loved one, either through a special prayer (A very Catholic thing to do in November anyway!) or visit the cemetery to put down some flowers, light a candle or maybe write a letter, play some special music.

9. Find something special for THIS Thanksgiving. Maybe it is going out to see the Christmas lights, or maybe a family hike, take pictures or buy something special for the table, or something nice to wear, or perhaps giving to someone less fortunate. Make this Thanksgiving Day count for what it is and celebrate it for that.

10. Don’t forget to offer a prayer of Thanksgiving. No matter how bad it gets, there is always something to be thankful for. Life itself is a gift.