The start was very subtle.
There wasn’t a fight, or an unkind word, or anything said in anger. In fact, there wasn’t a conversation at all. Around 2016, I realized something was wrong. Not only was my presence (or our presence if I was with my husband) not wanted, but it was something to be avoided if at all possible. Our family was canceling us.
Family gatherings became awkward. At first, I naively looked forward to seeing our nieces and nephews at family gatherings. (Mr. Pete and I have 36 altogether and now the grand nieces and nephews are coming.) I used to play with these kids. I changed their diapers and played games with them. We had loving relationships with their parents. I thought at least blood and family bound us tight. I was wrong.
In this world, those shared experiences and history don’t matter.
I first noticed it at my sister-in-law’s memorial service. The extended family was gathering at a local restaurant and Mr. Pete and I arrived first. We found a nice table in the back of the room. Soon the siblings started arriving and their adult children after that. In short order, all of the tables in the room were filled, but we still had a few seats at our table. I’ll never forget it. Two young relatives walked in and saw that the only available seating was with us and they looked like they would’ve rather died than sit there. They didn’t even try to hide their disappointment. And although we tried to be hospitable and asked them about their lives and activities, as soon as dinner was over they were out of there. It just seemed strange.
But that wasn’t the last time. When a young relative came to town I went out of my way to go to church to greet them. I sat down and said hi. They got up and moved away. A year later, we were snubbed at two weddings and avoided at a baby shower. News of extended family weddings never reached us.
The pieces to this mystery came together for me thanks to a couple of pop culture things. The most recent was The Bachelor.
In case you don’t know, the Bachelor is an ABC show that has been on the air for over 25 years. The premise is, a single man dates dozens of women at one time. The women compete in different silly competitions to get time with the lead, where they try to impress him with a conversation at cocktail parties and adventure-packed one-on-one and group dates. Every week, contestants are eliminated in a rose ceremony. When the number dwindles to 4 remaining contestants, the lead goes to visit their families during “Home town” week. The following week, the lead spends the night with each one of the remaining three ladies in the Fantasy Suites. Then it is down to two women who get to meet the leading man’s family before he decides between his final two.
This year for the first time, the lead was a biracial man, Matt James. Because of the ongoing COVID pandemic, the season was shot at a scenic resort in Pennsylvania. It became clear as the weeks went by that James was attracted to a young woman named Rachael Kirkconnell.
Unfortunately, Miss Kirkconnell made some enemies in high school who were all too happy to pile on with accusations of bullying in a series of Tik Tok videos. Then a Reddit user found pictures of her from three years ago during her college days, attending a party in the south on a plantation, that looked like something from Gone with the Wind. Charges of racism (later toned down to racial insensitivity) started hitting the internet.
The host of the long-running show, Chris Harrison, came to her defense, asking folks to give her patience and grace until she had a chance to share her side. He was swiftly canceled and probably will remain on hiatus for the time being.
Matt James did end up picking Rachael as the winner of his season, but he did not propose. And after the Chris Harrison fiasco, he broke up with her completely. The two appeared in the finale, After the Final Rose, where a very chastised, heartbroken and visibly thinner Miss Kirkconnell again apologized and gave so many mea culpas it started to become painful to watch.
But apparently attending an antebellum party and liking photos of friends with a confederate flag in the background weren’t all of her transgressions. She also liked someone on social media wearing a MAGA hat, and apparently watched Dennis Prager videos and her dad is a conservative and gave money to conservative causes including President Trump.
I share all of that for this reason – Rachael apologized again and again, and again, And it wasn’t enough. And if you tried ( and believe me, I tried) to ask for grace, understanding and maybe some perspective on all of this, the Twitterverse and IG radicals were quick to tell me how racist, stupid, and out of touch I was. It wasn’t just me. Anyone who saw it differently on social media was fighting the same fight. There is only one acceptable narrative on this – Rachael Kirkconnell is a racist, she may be sorry, but she is going to have to do much, much, much more groveling and a lot more work (although I’m not sure what that work is supposed to be, and when I ask I get told that it is not their job to educate white people. Apparently that also includes Hispanic people).
I was pondering much of all this when my kids suggested I take a break and catch up on my Avenger movies so that we could talk about them more. They told me I’d enjoy Wandavision more if I re-watched some of those movies. I was watching Avengers, Civil War, when this quote stopped me in my tracks. It starts right here at 4:16. Captain America asks young Spiderman what else Tony Stark told him. He replies,
You’re wrong. You think you’re right. That makes you dangerous.
Spiderman to Captain America – Civil War
I think I finally get it. In this brave new world, there is only one correct point of view and it is left-leaning, socialist, and charges all of us with the original sin of racism because of slavery. My/our strongly-held pro-life, Catholic, Conservative views are wrong by default. As long as we continue in that view, we are dangerous. That’s enough for us to be shunned and in effect, canceled from extended family life, affection, and regard.
So that’s it. I don’t think there is a solution except perhaps time and distance as they grow deeper into middle age and we decline into old age. Maybe.
I don’t pretend to understand this perspective because I tend to be more loyal and sentimental than that. But I at least understand why it’s happening, and for me right now, that’s enough.
Don’t feel alone; I was canceled too – by my own kids!
I totally agree with you!! Well said!