Finding Thankfulness in the Covid Christmas

I have been struggling this year, maybe like many of you. The days have been long, lonely, and monotonous. Summer gave a respite from “sheltering in place” when infection rates were low and the urgency of everything kind of tapered off. I even managed to walk every day, unmasked, either with friends or by myself, and a good audiobook.

But as expected, the cold weather drove us back indoors and the coronavirus that passes easily between people started to ratchet “cases” back up. As the rate of new cases rose, the opportunities for so many beloved fall and winter things started to disappear.

Music was one of those things.

Blogging was another.

Back in March, I was preparing for a big rehearsal that would feature a lot of solo flute work because the pianist was leaving on vacation for a few weeks. We rehearsed in the church for an hour and a half, only to find out a few days later that our presence at mass had been canceled. A week after that the priests were scrambling to put private daily mass on livestream from the small chapel in the rectory. Everything shut down and the ability to attend mass evaporated. I couldn’t believe it.

March dragged into April. I still can’t believe that I celebrated Easter by watching the Easter vigil in my backyard on the computer with some of the neighbors.

I started to miss the weekly rehearsals, the weekly mass parts and hymns with flute parts at mass and performing with the Peace Together Choir. All of those opportunities went away too.

Other than one small concert at the beginning of quarantine, I have not been allowed to play for mass or anywhere else in over nine months.

With disuse came lethargy and even a reluctance to practice. It’s difficult to practice when there is no motivation, or something to work for. I felt the same way about blogging. There was nothing to say about each day that looked pretty much like any other.

I briefly had hopes of playing a Christmas concert. I ordered a book of Christmas solos for the flute. I even shelled out extra for fast delivery. But different singers and other musicians came down with Covid or had to quarantine because they had been exposed to Covid, and so that was canceled as well.

For the first time since I was 16 years old, I will not have the opportunity to dance, sing, or play the flute for a Christmas show, program, or mass. My flute has sat in its case mostly for the last four weeks or so.

A few nights ago I started having a dream. I was dressed in concert black and was walking somewhere to start playing a concert. My beloved flute teacher, Anita (who passed away 18 years ago) was walking quickly beside me and she was trying to slow me down. “Stop, stop!! You’re not ready. You haven’t practiced!” I woke up with a start.

She has come back to me a couple of more times this week. She hasn’t said anything else but she gives me a disapproving look while I sit there looking at her … fluteless.

I believe in dreams with messages. They’re biblical. And I think this was a message from Anita that I need to be prepared and start practicing again. It won’t be easy or fun. I’m going to have to pick up my instrument and work my way back into a rigorous practice schedule. But I have just lacked the inspiration and enthusiasm to do it. I think I’m just sad about the end of my Christmas performance participation streak.

Today my pastor gave an amazing homily about thankfulness. He talked about how Mary faced extraordinary circumstances in her life as well, much direr than the current pandemic. In giving her fiat to the will of God, she found herself pregnant and unmarried. Then she and her betrothed had to travel 80 miles by foot and donkey in her 9th month of pregnancy to a town with no family, no friends, and no hotel rooms. To top it off, her little family had to flee for their lives a short time later, to save the life of their baby boy. Mary could have felt sad and full of despair as well. Who could have blamed her? But instead, her soul exalted in God her savior and she remained his handmaid. Mary found joy and thankfulness even in the most desperate circumstances.

I’ve been reading about some of the good things that have come from the government’s response to the worldwide pandemic. I’ve even experienced some. I didn’t get to see my son walk across the stage to receive his degrees magna cum laude, but I did get to spend three months with him as he finished his studies and took online classes. That was special. Mr. Pete and I finished updating our kitchen and bathroom, something that should have been done decades ago. And I got to spend many nights snuggling with my daughters binge-watching old t.v. shows. I know I will look fondly back at the memories we made. I can be thankful for all of those times.

Because of the pandemic, people are living simpler less hurried lives. Homeschooling has become mainstream and homebirths are rising – two causes that are very near and dear to my heart. I’m grateful for that as well.

So as we head into Christmas with New Years’ soon to follow, I know what I have to do. I’m accepting the situation I’m in and preparing for the times to come. That of course means to continue walking and hitting the elliptical (I didn’t gain the famous 19 pounds that many are ironically calling the COVID 19, but for all the walking I did (over 500 miles) I probably could have lost more than just 5 pounds! It also means that I need to blog more, and even get back into regular flute practice. And maybe, more importantly, dive into a deeper prayer life too!

I’m also grateful for the wonderful Christmas-past performances I was able to participate in. Enjoy a full play list, here.