Last summer for my birthday, all of my kids came over (one traveling over 8 hours by car) to help me celebrate. It was a glorious weekend of visiting, feasting, and sharing. As a mom, what I liked the best was that my kids, including my daughter-in-law, had worked together to make my birthday weekend something really special. I loved how they joked and played with each other, and I loved how Miss C.had a plethora of aunts and uncles to play with and tease. We made so many memories that weekend.
The year before, we had all gotten a house on the banks of Lake Michigan and spent a leisurely few days together under one roof. That was a good time too.
Even when we aren’t all-together because my oldest lives in another state and the other kids are busy with work and school, my kids still contact, hangout and text each other. They have relationships with each other quite outside and removed from their relationship with me and their dad. In other words, they have each other.
I’ve seen the same thing happen with Mr. Pete and his siblings. Maybe they don’t call and text as much as they could but they are always there for each other when it counts. When Mr. Pete’s oldest sister was dying, he and I took a long road trip in a blizzard to see her one last time and to spend some time with her to let her know she was loved and would be remembered. When she finally did pass it was her siblings that made the arrangements and held a beautiful funeral. One of her brothers made sure her estate was handled. Another brother stood by her urn and made sure that it was safely placed in the ground for burial.
I only have one sister. We have gotten closer and closer over the years, particularly as we have gotten older and after the deaths of our parents and subsequent estate wars over my father’s property from our EFC. After Mr. Pete, she is my rock.
I’ve been thinking of these things lately because Mr. Pete and I have to give the pre-cana talk about marriage and spirituality again. I semi-dread it. This is not a home game and we won’t be preaching to the choir. Sometimes it’s almost hostile. And one of the parts of the talk that I’m sure is not going to be well received is the part where we talk about the blessing of having children. Not A child, but childREN, as in more than one if that is what God wants to send you.
What I’ve been reading and hearing in the millennial group is that one child is more than enough. It’s hard to raise one. It’s hard to raise one and have a job. It’s hard to raise one when your husband is working 40 or more hours a week, it’s hard to raise one and find time for yourself.
I get it.
I remember feeling that way as well. I had one little boy for almost four years before his brother came along and he was quite a handful. He wanted and needed my full attention and time. It was wonderful but also stressful and exhausting. I was scared to death when I discovered that I was pregnant again.
But when his little brother came, I discovered something else – having two became a little bit easier in some ways. I didn’t have to be the sole provider of all things entertaining – they played together, they talked together, they liked each other – most of the time.
As each new baby came into the family and I became more and more outnumbered I discovered the same thing – the kids became their own unit and they didn’t need me for that.
Maybe homeschooling emphasized that a bit more. My middle two boys are each other’s best friends and work together now as adults. My youngest three call themselves “The beloved” and the girls especially have a close-knit bond.
As they’ve all gotten older they have been able to help me with shopping, driving, cleaning, cooking, and laundry. It’s also fun to watch movies with them, talk around the dinner table and just share our day-to-day lives with each other. The house at times is full of noise and life.
Mr. Pete and I are in our early 60s now and I’m trying to make smart decisions about the time that we have left. Sometimes I sigh at some of the decisions I’ve made in life, but I have never regretted my children and it gives me much comfort and joy to know that they will be there for each other in the decades to come. As they marry and add their own children, that family tapestry will only get richer in love and memories.
So I guess what I’d really like to say to the mom who proclaims herself one and done is, this: Raising little kids is tough. But kids grow up, they change, they leave. Someday you’ll leave too. What will you really be leaving behind for them that matters? What will be your legacy? I look at the family we’ve built and I feel secure knowing that what I’m leaving will be loved and remembered many years after I’m gone. Make sure you can say the same.