I feel kind of silly still doing these since the Simple Woman site is shut down for the summer. I’m not sure why I continue to link to it except we were asked to. At this point I guess I am really keeping it up because I enjoy doing these, and it makes a nice snap shot of my life every week, and because I miss it when I don’t. Maybe my kids will enjoy reading these in the future.
I realize by blogging more about the death of my mother I’m probably going to alienate some of my readers, but it is what it is and right now; it’s what I am thinking about the most. Later this week I plan to write about hospice, ovarian cancer, and just my overall view of the way the medical community handled mom over these past six months. And a lot of that is going to come off as ranting – but hey, it’s cheaper than therapy!
Outside my window…
The sky is blue and bright – which makes me feel a bit sadder.
I am thinking…
a lot about my mother’s death. The day she died it was clear that her condition had really deteriorated. She was breathing faster, her mouth was open, her neck arched as if to get more oxygen. And even though her eyes were open when I waved my arms or made any motion she did not see me or react. It totally was not the death I wanted for her. I had envisioned with hospice she would go closer to the way her father had gone, from deep sleep, to coma, to death – seamlessly and effortlessly and with the help of heavy pain medication if necessary. And if that wasn’t possible, then I wonder why hospice wasn’t there to explain what was happening and why it was happening and suggest some comfort measures. Showing up after the fact was not helpful and I’m still a little steamed about it.
I am thankful for… all of my family and friends, including all of you who have left comments and prayed for me and my family. We felt well loved and surrounded by prayer.
From the learning rooms…I have to keep swimming going this week and math with the kids, but I think I’m going to let everything else drop this week. I feel as if I have been hit by a truck and I just need some time to recover.
From the kitchen… Some very sweet folks have brought us meals over the past few days and we are due for another meal tomorrow. So I am looking forward to that.
I am wearing…a celery green jumper and white T shirt.
I am creating… I don’t have a creative urge in my body just now. I am just going to rest.
I am going… to be typing more this week. One of my main clients is taking a 3 week vacation in July so he is piling on the work now – unfortunate timing for me I suppose, but a good diversion.
I am reading… through a lot of my mom’s old prayer books trying to decide what to keep, what to give away, what to put on eBay and what just needs to be pitched.
I am hoping… to see God’s plan in mom’s passing because right now, I don’t get it. I realize the rest of the world sees an old lady with cancer who died. But I see a vibrant woman with lots of talent and lots of love to give to her community and family and I don’t get it. I particularly don’t understand why her death had to be so difficult. Was her suffering for her? or was it something we were supposed to witness for our own benefit?
I am hearing… The air conditioner which actually masks the usual buzzing in my ears.
Around the house… putting stuff away from the funeral.
A few plans for the rest of the week: writing some funeral thank you cards.
A picture I am sharing:
My last look at my mom’s hands.
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