How to grieve

Grieving Woman
Originally uploaded by johnmartine63.

Sooner or later, all of us will bury a grandparent, parent, spouse, child, dear friend, somebody special. An old acquaintance of mine, Anne, had some practical advice on preparing for the inevitable.

I have grieved deeply a few times in my life. By way of explanation, I grew up in a household with my grandmother, grandfather, uncle, mom and sister. I lived with these people for the first 20 years of my life. So the deaths of my grandparents and uncle were all huge for me. I also lost a very close mentor, as well as my own stillborn child. Here are some of the things I learned from those times.

Everybody grieves differently. Some people need to grieve very openly and need all of the support they can gather from others. Other people prefer to grieve alone and in private. Both ways are right and there is no need to feel guilty for preferring one way over the other.

It did help my grieving process to realize that other people were sharing my loss. When my grandpa died, my mom lost her dad, my aunt lost her brother, others lost their dear friend. It helped me to realize that we were together on this.

For me, planning the arrangements and the funeral was part of the healing. This was especially true when planning the Catholic Funeral Mass. Just picking the individual readings from scripture was therapeutic, as was going through the family photo album for pictures to display at the funeral home.

Put something special into the casket with the deceased. It could be a letter, or something else that was special to you and the deceased. My grandpa is buried in a very nice suite, but he has hunting socks on that we got him for Christmas to keep his feet warm. We often laugh at how surprised he will be on Resurrection Day to see those socks! Raphael is buried in a family receiving blanket and a beautiful blanket from our church. I have a rosary that touched his little body. I know another family that put in a favorite CD.

The days and weeks after the funeral be prepared to feel out of step with the rest of the world. It’s normal to feel that way. Finding more time to pray and lots of sleep were helpful to me. Grieving is exhausting and the body and mind need sleep to recover.

Some people feel the need to get back into the world as soon as possible. That is how Mr. Pete has dealt with his times of grief in the past. Jackie Kennedy had a birthday party for her son in the days after the assassination. If this works for you, go for it.

It did help to have a shower and clean clothes every day, even if I didn’t particularly feel like it. It just helped.

Try to be compassionate when people try to comfort you. Some people will just say stupid things. As long as it wasn’t deliberately malicious, just try to overlook it. This is hard for everyone!

Mostly try to remember that at first it will just be a matter of getting through each hour. Then it will be day by day and then week by week. The only real cure for grief is time.