I’ve read a couple of blogs by some blogging buddies who are recently new grandmas. And I think these ladies will be WONDERFUL grandmas! I say that because they are longing with their whole maternal beings to be with their grandchildren, but at the same time are torn by their respect for their children and wanting to give them some space as new parents. They are being selfless and frankly if any of us are blessed enough to have selfless people in our lives we should be thanking God for the blessing.
Today grandparenting isn’t seen as a very cool thing. The retirement years are supposed to be years to be entertained and pursue other interests and not necessarily to serve. It seems to me that’s a pretty new phenomenon. My grandparents literally worked until they died. They died happy and they died knowing they had lived well and loved well and were loved in return and that makes them big successes in my book.
My pregnant mother, unborn sister and I moved in with my grandparents when they were in their late 50s and stayed there for the next 20 or so years. I never felt like a guest in my grandparents’ home. I felt like it was my home, because they made me feel that way. They put up with my toddler antics, school traumas, long-division, dance recitals, boyfriends and defiance when they really didn’t have to.
And in return they grew a love and respect in my heart for them that will be there until I die. They are the first people I hope to see again when I die.
My mother has been a good grandma to my kids as well. She rocked babies even when she was recovering from brain surgery. (She actually says rocking the babies helped her recover from brain surgery!)
She homeschooled Sam, she drove kids to soccer games, she read to them. She gave of herself. And even now when she is unable to do a lot of the things with Rosie that she did with the other kids, Rosie still wants to talk to her grandma on the phone, because grandma is nice to her and lets her talk!
I know sometimes the parent/ adult child relationship gets complicated. Sometimes we adult kids don’t want to be judged by our parents, or have them tell us what to do or how to do it. But I think we too are called to be selfless and humble ourselves enough to be served by our parents when they are feeling called to do so!
My mother swallowed her pride and went back to her parents when her marriage failed and we had a good life because of it. And because of her example, my mom was the first person I called after I had my first child to ask beg to come and help me with this new baby.
Our culture sort of screams out that we are supposed to be independent little family units and first time moms seem to feel that they have to know it all and do it all on their own, as if there is some sort of failure in having a grandma around to help. That’s just pride and I would also take a step further and say that is not the Catholic Christian way!
We don’t know much about St. Anne, but we know that she raised Mary to be able to take on the awesome job of being the Mother of God. Tradition tells us that Anne delighted in little Mary and was a good mother to her even after her marriage to St. Joseph. Ancient legends tell us that St. Joachim visited and helped the little Holy Family. Mary and Joseph allowed St. Anne and Joachim to assist and served them. Tradition tells us that the love of the extended family was so great and that Jesus loved his grandparents very much and was with them when they died. Later Jesus himself allowed himself to be served by others.
It takes a humility and a weakness to allow someone else to help us sometimes, and sometimes when it’s our parents it seems too much to take. Yet there are biblical mandates to the older women to teach the younger ones (Titus 2) but the onus is on the younger ones to be accepting and humble.
So with all of that in mind, here are some practical ways that I think grandmas can help new families (these are things that truly blessed me).
1. Food. Any food the new family doesn’t have to fix is a blessing. Bake casseroles, order pizza, grill some veggies and meat – it doesn’t really matter the main thing is just to make sure they have a break from cooking AND making sure the new mother in particular is well cared for nutritionally.
2. Don’t judge, but offer to help with laundry, sweeping, mopping, dishes… or
3. Offer to care for the baby while the new mom or dad does those things if they’re the “do it yourself” type.
4. Call when you’re going to the store and ask if they need anything or…
5. Give coupons or gift cards for grocery stores and drug store items.
6. Just listen to them – especially the new mom and particularly if she had a difficult birth or has a cranky baby. Be ready for hugs, but also be ready to dig in if the most you can offer is a couple of hours alone with the cranky baby so mom and dad can get some sleep!
I’m sure there are other ideas, but the gist of it is let them know you are ready, willing and enthusiastic to be of service in any way. A mutual respect like that will benefit everyone.
And for new mommies.
1. It’s good to be a saint but don’t be a mommy martyr. If you need help ask! Give your mom a chance to mother you for a bit. It really is okay and in fact it’s the way it should be!
2. Don’t think every time your mom wipes down the table or throws a load in the washer that she is judging you. She has been there and understands. Be happy for the help.
3. Let grandma hold the baby! Start a relationship between the generations now that will deepen and grow over the years. Grandparents will share in the joys of your child, but if you play your cards right they’ll also back you up during those difficult teen years when you’ll once again need all the support you can get!
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