My Daily Domestic Diigolet 07/23/2008

Last year, the 42-year-old former Run-DMC member and Justine, 43, decided to expand their family. (They are already parents to Vanessa, 23; Angela, 19; Jojo, 17; Daniel “Diggy,” 12; and Russell, 10.) But halfway through Justine’s pregnancy, doctors discovered that their developing baby girl had an omphalocele, a birth defect that caused her organs to grow outside her body.

The devoutly religious couple decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, and on Sept. 26, Justine gave birth via C-section to a 4-lb., 5-oz. girl whom the couple named Victoria Anne. The infant died less than two hours after her birth at a hospital near the family’s Saddle River, N.J., home.

encourage the family to hold their baby when possible. It is heartbreaking, but it is the only chance that they will every have. When our son died, our parents didn’t hold him because they didn’t know if it would be all right. They will never get that chance again. Of course, the birth attendant should treat the baby with the same respect that would be shown to a live baby. Wrap the baby in blankets, hold him/her gently, and support the baby’s head. This will encourage the family to hold and bond with their child. Even if the child didn’t make it to term, encourage the family to name the child.

Encourage the family to take a couple of rolls of pictures of the baby. Pictures may include the baby wrapped in blankets, the baby unwrapped, any parts of the baby that are attractive (hands, feet, ears), the baby held by the mother and/or father, a picture of the baby’s hand resting on the mother’s and/or father’s hand. Be sure that something in the pictures shows the size of the baby (a hand, a toy, a measuring tape). In our situation, our son was very tiny, but it doesn’t show in the pictures.

Listen. Don’t interrupt. Don’t judge or offer platitudes. Don’t tell them that God needed another angel in Heaven. Call the baby by name. Let them cry. Cry with them. Let them know that their baby was important to you, too.

Talk to the father specifically. Don’t ask him how his wife is doing. Ask him how he’s doing. Hug him and let him know it’s okay to be sad. Our society doesn’t give him that freedom, so grant it to him at least in your presence.

It has been more than 5 years since I wrote this article about my firstborn son. Many people would be surprised at how much I still miss him. There have been times of struggle, of anger and hurt. Especially when our son Simon was also stillborn. Yet again, there was God himself walking beside me.