Elena 
For some reason, Calvin’s swim team has decided to have the swimming banquet tonight – on Holy Thursday. sigh… Of all the other times they could have had it, one can only wonder why they chose this evening.
It may end up being no big deal for me. I’d much prefer skipping the entire ordeal and going to mass instead. My only reluctance is that this is Calvin’s SENIOR swim banquet, where he will get his final awards and accolades and there is still a part of me that wants to be there when he receives his honors.
However, for all intents and purposes, Calvin and I are barely speaking to each other. Over the weekend and so far this week he hasn’t made it home before 2:00 a.m. once. Mr. Pete asked him to call his school, make up his school work, and then write a contract up that we could all live with as far as setting his curfew. Calvin declined.
Instead, I received this in my e-mail from Calvin, although his girlfriend contributed heavily. This is an excerpt:
You, as parents, will start acting like adults and start using “pleases” and “thank yous” instead of demanding everything from Calvin.
You, as parents, will start asking first, in a calm voice, before demanding anything from Calvin. Then, once asked, and if Calvin were to decline, you negotiate terms upon agreement. No fighting.
You, as parents, will no longer take away driving privileges (car keys and/or the functioning of the vehicle Calvin will be driving). To take away his car is taking away a freedom which Calvin has earned by obtaining his drivers License, not being in any kind of accident, and by never receiving a ticket.
You, as parents, will start RESPECTING Calvin as an adult instead of a child. Realize 1- he is an adult, 2- should be treated as an adult, 3- should not be “grounded” (because he is an adult), and 4- should be allowed to make his own choices, because he is an adult.
You, as parents, should take into consideration that, since Calvin is an adult, he is allowed a longer curfew. By law, Calvin is allowed out past midnight, and in reality, is allowed to stay out all night long. Even though this is true, Calvin, as a good person, tries to be home by a good, reasonable, time depending on what is going on in the morning.
There’s more but that was the gist of it.
When I read this over, what pops out to me is that they (Calvin and his girlfriend) seem to be “fighting” for his “rights” and to be recognized as an adult.
I’m trying to be the voice of common sense to keep him from being slammed into be a drunk driver, or falling asleep at the wheel.
For them this is a respect/rights issue. For me it’s simply a safety issue. I don’t know if we can resolve this. Mr. Pete and Calvin did come up with curfew times of 12:30 for the weekdays and 2:30 for the weekend. I just about freaked when I saw that! But Mr. Pete’s reasoning was that at least we would know what time he was coming in, or at least that was the theory.
Yesterday was the first day this contract was in force and Calvin still wasn’t home by 12:30. So much for the contract.
At this point and I really hate to say this, the only answer might be for Calvin to get his own place because the discord this is having isn’t good for the family.
But first I have to get through this evening at the swim banquet – $54 to sit across from Calvin and his girlfriend to wonder “who are those people?”
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You, as parents, pay the mortgage and (some parents) pay the car insurance.
You, as the ones who pay the mortgage, have the right to choose when the front door gets closed for the night.
You, as the ones who pay the car insurance, also have the right to choose who drives the cars that you insure and when.
You, as the ones who own the home, have the right to choose who lives there.
Your son is making the attempt to have the privileges of an adult. He should also be aware of the responsibilities.
I was going to add (but the phone rang) that I feel your pain…I really do. More than you know.
I agree. He is trying a typical teen thing–I want the privilges of being an adult without the responsibilities. I used to have a tagline on my aol board signature that I got off a prolife calendar which said that no man is endowed with rights without, at the same time, being saddled with responsibilities. If you are willing to have him move out (because that is a risk at his age), I’d suggest giving him all the rights he wants–with the corresponding responsibilities like paying rent, paying for his car insurance, paying for his car, paying for food, etc. …
No one does martyrdom like a teenager, huh? If it makes you feel any better, I can’t help but cringe when I think of some of the terribly disrespectful, and just plain stupid, things that I said and did at that age.
I can only echo what the other two ladies have said. With rights come responsibility. Hopefully, he’ll thank you for this later.
I keep your family in my prayers.
And be thankful that I won’t have a teenager for, oh, six lovely years . . .
Elena, I’m horrified. He is an adult living in your home. He is dependent on you and your money. He must follow your rules and be respectful, or move out! I lived with my parents until I was 26 so that I could pay off my student loans and save up to buy a house. It worked out perfectly because I treated my parents like the wonderful people they are. Perhaps it is time to suggest alternatives to Calvin? Meaning, getting his own apartment?
First off, go. After all the time *you* have put into this, you would regret not closing it. It sounds like you’ve already budgeted the $50. Go.
Second, I agree with the other posters. You gave him the $300 beater of a car, fine, it’s his car. However, if you are gassing it and insuring it, he has to follow your rules with it. If not, no gas, no insurance.
If you are paying the mortgage, and the utilities, and putting food on the table, he has to follow the house rules. You might want to clarify that you would expect every adult living off you two to follow those rules, and that they will apply to his brothers and sisters when they reach maturity, but still, your house, your money, your rules. If not, he can get a job and find his own place.
I would, however, suggest you be very calm and rational throughout this, because I see three ways it can come back and bite you in the…
Number one, once he has his own place, you lose all control over him. If you don’t like his friends, his hours, or his habits, you no longer have a say in his changing them. That can be very hard to deal with.
Number two, at his age a very popular way of reaching that independence is the armed forces. This is what my brother-in-law did. On the one hand, it does promote maturity very quickly, and you’ll know someone is looking out for his friends, his hours, and his habits. On the other hand, odds are good they’ll be doing it in the middle of a war zone.
Number three, he may just turn this on you someday. I know this doesn’t apply to you and Mr. Pete but it may apply to others. I was the youngest of three, in a blended family (second marriages on both sides). In high school, even though I was the one in convent school (my older brother and sister went to the rough high school in town), the only one who excelled in school and went to college, was always in nights, didn’t drive until I was 21, and so on, I still had to put up with the excessive rules and abuse earned by my older siblings when it came to going out and involvements with the opposite sex.
Flash forward 10 years, Mother had divorced her abusive second husband, and had moved in with me. I was teaching, and had bought my grandparents old house for the cost of renovations. (My Grandfather is legally blind and had to move to an assisted living facility) She didn’t like my friends, didn’t like me being out late, and so on. At this point I was 28, had lived on my own for 10 years, had worked through most of them and had been a teacher for 8 (Yes, I did 4+ years of college in 2, I don’t recommend it.) and was dating the Marine I would marry by the end of the year. She disliked all of it and told me it would not happen under her roof. I pointed out it was **my** roof and she was renting a room, if she didn’t like it she could go get a mortgage of her own and buy me out.
It turns out that a 10 year work history and spotless credit beats being back in the workforce 2 years and 10 credit cards. Of course she stayed, and I did listen to her, but I did what was best for me, including my marriage. But I have to admit, or perhaps confess, that after everything she gave me that I didn’t earn in high school, it felt good to see her come back from the lender, and admit she was no longer queen of the castle.
I guess the whole moral of this story is that you might want to be careful that Calvin’s actions to not cause you to treat the others unfairly harshly when they get to be that age. It’s an easy trap, but all children are different, and make the transition to adulthood differently.
I have no advice, but many prayers..
Rachel
Wow…my main thought is that if Calvin wishes to be treated as an adult now then he needs to start acting like one in ALL repsects…as soon as he’s willing to pay his share for living expenses…or better yet move out and pay his own way..then and only then can he start to make demands on how you and your husband can treat him…and even then it would not be well recieved.
I can’t even imagine how we’d react if any of our children sent such an e-mail…it would not be pretty that is for sure…
One cool thing in our state is that when kids get their licences they actually have to go to the courthouse and a judge hands them out…he makes it VERY clear to them that Driving is a privilege not a ‘right” and that parents can take that licence away at any time….they can even go directly to the judge and have him recind it..
at this point I think the licence would definately be revoked…the car if I paid for it ..would be repossessed…no ifs ands or buts…he also would definately be on restriction ..as a matter of fact at this point I don’t think I’d be worrying about missing his ‘awards” ceremony myself because HE’D be missing it as well…
My child is not even a year old and reading this letter already makes me cringe at the thought of the teenage years. Yikes! What an unnecessary kick to the gut. Maybe you need to respect him enough to tell him to move out, get an apartment, and completely support himself since he is apparently such an adult? Bless you and your family.
Does his girlfriend usually take care of all of his correspondence?
Deep breathe…
I have never seen “my house, my rules” work with a boy. They all ended up leaving- some after ripping the family to shreds….The only people I saw survive were the ones who showed them the recruiter and then gave the choice of the door with no car, gas or rent. Half went on to the military- the other half went on to live off of their girlfriends. Those few who stayed continued to break every rule they could because they could get away with it- being supported by the parents in because the parents felt that they needed to support them. (My sister’s son is 24 and still abuses the rules- and they gave him his apartment and car and everything else. He drinks his money and begs for food from them. What is he learning?)Seems Calvins girl lives this way- why should Calvin think things should be different for him?
I definately feel your pain.
My dd went into the military – but has plenty of stories of those who did not. Chosing the Air Force helps- not as much engagement in Iraq….Boot camp sure makes a difference in attitude (as does basic pay).
Welcome to the most difficult balance in the world- parents of an adult. Remember – God gave HIM a soul to mature – your part is basically done- except for guidance when he returns….. at least that is the lesson I took from St. Monica.
It is a difficult lesson to learn-especially when you put your heart into loving that first born!
No advice, Elena, but many prayers.
Sounds like a difficult time for you – you are in my prayers. I agree with the other commenters that he is expecting to be treated as an independent adult desspite the fact that he is not. Even if you did have an independent adult living in your house (such as a lodger) you would have rules they would have to stick to. I don’t know if it would be practical or not but perhaps you could match up his “rights” with responsibilites such that if he forfeits responsibility he forfeits the related “right”. No idea if that’d work (my daughter is only 11 months so no experience) but I’m just throwing half thought ideas out in the hopes they could be helpful.
I kinda went through the same thing with my parents when I was a teen. Actually, they didn’t let me have a license and I didn’t get it until I was 18.
I decided to move out of the house at age 17 and actually acted like an adult (got a job, managed to graduate high school, got an apartment, bought a car, etc.)
Adults do not treat their benefactors like chattel and then whine that they are being abused.
I think you are right – the only way to resolve it is for him to move out and be an adult. This is very risky because he could a)repent of his ways and agree to live by contract b)learn everything the hard way and hopefully not ruin his life c) ruin his life and live with the consequences.
I’m sorry I’m not more helpful! But, I must add, trust in God’s grace. It is by His grace alone that I ended up married, back in the Faith, and with 7 children. I moved out at 17 and in with a boyfriend who I was going to marry… and God’s grace saved me from myself!
And, BTW, how did Calvin earn the “right” to use YOUR car/insurance/house by passing the STATE driving exam and not getting a ticket from the STATE police?