My Daily Domestic Diigolet 03/11/2008

(1) Be Legitimately Interested: As mentioned above, be interested. Drop whatever you were doing and focus. Stop focusing on the email you were writing or the article you were reading and really listen. Put yourself in the speaker’s place and make his or her problems your own. The speaker will consciously or subconsciously pick up on this and you will learn more from the conversation. However, if you are in the middle of something just a little too important to drop…
(2) Be Honest About Your Time: If you really are in the middle of something important, tell the speaker. Apologize and plan for another meeting where you can ensure your full attention and focus. This will let the speaker know that you appreciate their coming to you and you want to give them your full concentration. It’s much better than lending half-an-ear and not listening well.

(3) Accept the Speaker’s Point-Of-View: At least until he or she is done speaking. Some of us have the desire to get our point across and a word in for every sentence spoken.

(5) Go Beyond the Words: Good listeners are actively thinking not just about what was said but also why and how it was said. Why did this person come to you to talk (or be heard). Is there excitement in their voice? Resentment? Jealously? Once you determine the motive of the speaker, can you react more smoothly to their words

(6) Get Rid of Distractions: Just by slightly closing a door or turning off your monitor you can portray to the speaker that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say. Focus.

) Avoid Planning Counterarguments: It is a natural response to automatically start planning a counterargument as soon as something is mentioned. As hard as it may seem, don’t. Mentally record your disagreement and formulate a response later after the whole message has been received.

(10) Watch and Learn from the “Good Listener”: We all know one or two “Good Listeners”.

His response to my pain was unique to him.  All that mattered to me was a person understood that I was hurting.  A person wasn’t speaking at me but with me.  A collection of people like this over the course of the year helped me in unspeakable volumes.

Well, from the perspective of a grieving person, there’s nothing that you can say to amend the situation.  I believe a good lot of the awkwardness comes from the worry that you CAN’T make it better and the attempt to do so.  Perhaps you can try rewiring your thinking to “What can I say that will bring comfort?”

When I think of comfort, I think of warmth, the presence of someone else, the ability to relate, the desire to understand, non-judgment, and peace.  In remaining true to your own person, which one of these could you contribute?  Maybe you’re someone who doesn’t like to say much, but can soothe a broken heart by caring for the things overlooked by the passerby.  Maybe you’re someone who likes to talk – who is gifted with eloquence and always knows the right words to say; so your contribution to comfort is a beautiful thought you want to share.  The person who has nothing to say, and can’t think of anything to do because she herself is overcome with sadness and only wants to cry – this person doesn’t have to stay away in the fear that she is making it worse for the grieving person.  Crying with someone is a very personal thing and even in heart wrench, offers a momentary companionship. 

On the same breath, I would say that someone who HASN’T lost someone is still a valuable component in a grieving person’s life.  People who are suffering a loss often pull away from people and from the everyday social life.  It takes time to get out of that plane – however the truly compassionate, patient friend can be one of the first to experience a connection when the grieving person begins to reach out for company again.  It’s about taking it easy with the pressure and being sensitive to the needs of a person in pain.  Not only, in her silence, is a grieving person grateful – you are truly helping in your very own way.

A quiet gripe amongst those who are on the receiving end of well-meaning statements would be this – sometimes people say things that hurt very much even though the person who said it meant no harm.  Someone experiencing grief is much more sensitive and raw in her feeling

Another golden one was the relief of a few friends of mine when I appeared ‘fine’ (i.e. I was not coupled over, convulsing in between my sobbing) and said to me “I’m glad you’re fine; I mean, I only went to that wake/funeral because of you.  I didn’t know him like that and so it didn’t mean so much to me, you know?  I just didn’t feel that pain.”  Spoken from the lips of people I was friends with for about 10 years now.  Logically speaking, sure – they didn’t know him very well.  The circumstances of our lives didn’t allow it.  But from my perspective, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to imagine how I was the right person to gush those feelings about.  After all, I’m the same person desperately grasping for ways to keep my husband’s very valuable  presence around me and I didn’t need anyone minimizing him to mere table talk right in front of me

Avoid undermining someone’s affections:  It doesn’t matter if you’ve witnessed war between and parent and child the night before his passing.  It doesn’t matter how long a husband and wife were married, or if they were officially husband wife at all.  It doesn’t matter HOW a person died or if the odds for the grieving look good in terms of recovery.  Right now, it’s about their pain.  So try avoiding comments that relate to “It’ll be OK because of *insert aforementioned circumstance*”  or “It must not be that bad because *insert aforementioned circumstance*. 

Avoid assumptions on how the grieving must feel.  (Please?)  I promise you,  this piece of advice is golden.  There is no way in the world that you can know what it feels like without experiencing it as well. 

Avoid comparisons.  For example:  A divorce is a huge loss to someone, but it’s just not the same as someone’s husband dying.  That same divorcee may not appreciate the comparison of her divorce with the break up of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

Avoid estimating the appropriate time window for grief.  Since everyone grieves in their own way, imposing when you think they ought to be over it is alienating to say the very least.  One can’t help how she feels and insinuating inadequacy because she hasn’t reached a certain point “by now” only contributes to a complicated pain.  Of course it may be hard for you to understand and/or you may mean well.  But this is just one of those things a grief-stricken person has to work on with a professional .. which is also done in her own time.

The statement “If there’s anything I can do…” is a great start however many people may not actually pick up the phone and say “So…Remember when you said if there’s anything you could do?  Right.. about that…”  for reasons ranging from levels of comfort to assumptions that you were just saying that to be polite.  Offer your help in a direct form and also in a manner comfortable to you (After all, how would you really respond to a cashed-in favor for help on a bill for ten grand?)  You can offer to pick up the kids on a Friday or offer your amazing organizational skills to help handle the influx of mail. 

It’s OK to laugh.  Hey hey hey – not laugh AT the grieving person or sensitive topics but it’s fine to bring in the comic relief when spending time with her

There is a special magnificence in silence. 

Don’t take it personally if you have millions of ideas on how to help but the grieving person makes herself scarce.  This withdrawal happens with different time-frames for different people.  If what you can do to help can still be done without being invasive, by all means do it

you’ve made a mistake and realized your words hurt instead of help, that acknowledgment does wonders – even if it’s much later down the line. 

Be there.  Be there days, weeks, months, years after the fac

Evangelical or born-again Christian voters were key to George W. Bush’s victories, but so were Roman Catholics, who chose Bush over their fellow Catholic John Kerry in 2004 and over Al Gore in 2000.

The televangelist, San Antonio megachurch leader John Hagee, has referred to the Roman Catholic Church as “the great whore” and called it a “false cult system” and “the apostate church”; the word “apostate” means someone who has forsaken his religion.

He also has linked Adolf Hitler to the Catholic church, suggesting it helped shape his anti-Semitism.

McCain said he does not agree with some of Hagee’s past comments. “It’s simply not accurate to say that because someone endorses me that I therefore embrace their views,” McCain told reporters at a news conference Monday in Phoenix.

Catholic groups are pressuring McCain to go further and reject the endorsement, which he announced at a news conference with Hagee last week. The Democratic National Committee also is publicizing Hagee’s views.

Despite the recent publicity, Hagee is not well-known outside his sphere of influence, which includes a congregation in the tens of thousands and an even wider television audience.

“What he holds about Catholicism in my mind is despicable,” said the Rev. James Heft, religion professor at the University of Southern California. “I totally reject Hagee’s view of Catholicism, but I don’t know how widely known it is.”

If Hagee’s views become well-known, the endorsement could hurt McCain among some Catholics.

“If you offend even a small percentage, that could make the difference in an election,” Donohue said in an interview Sunday.

nyone who crossed lines was supposed to sign a pledge card vowing allegiance to their new party. In Cuyahoga County, dozens and dozens of Republicans scribbled addendums onto their pledges as new Democrats

A Plain Dealer review of thousands of records showed few of those who switched were challenged by poll workers.

Sandy McNair, a Democratic member of the Cuyahoga County Board of Elections, said Friday that the manipulation of the system was troublesome.

Lying on the pledge is a felony, punishable by six to 12 months in jail and a $2,500 fine.

Election watchers said they don’t know any cases that have been prosecuted in Ohio. And it’s unlikely the Republican crossovers influenced the outcome since Clinton handily defeated Obama, said Edward Foley, an election-law professor at Ohio State University.

But he said Ohioans need to learn the rules governing their voting – and poll workers need to enforce them.

n a nutshell, here how it’s supposed to work: Ohio voters are allowed to switch party affiliations on the day of a primary election but only if they sign a pledge vowing to support their new party – and mean it.

If a majority of poll workers at a precinct doubt a voter’s sincerity, they can challenge the voter even if the voter signed the pledge.

Republican Kitty Anderson began working in voting precincts during the early 1960s and Tuesday’s turnout in the Republican stronghold of Chagrin Falls was the largest she had ever seen