Private, private private – response to Laine’s Letter

Throughout the Christian women’s blogosphere, I have been coming across Laine’s letters. These are words of encouragement, support, bible study all wrapped up in a home-style letter by a lady named Laine (although her e-mail goes to someone named Deb). Overall they seem to be very nice, easily readable letters from a Protestant Christian perspective.

One letter in particular seems to be creating a lot of buzz and I’m posting some thoughts on it here. Laine’s letter is a five page document in word which is rather lengthy for a blog post. I’m responding to the first part today with part two to come tomorrow or Saturday.

Laine’s letter in blue.

Dear Sisters,Scripture admonishes women to be “silent” and “quiet.” I know this is so hard. We love to talk, don’t we? Especially with one another. But how many times has my mouth got me into trouble? Oh, too many times too numerous to mention.

Very true. However, I’m not sure that our goal as Christian women is always to stay out of trouble! I seen a disturbing trend among Christians to be silent when really a strong voice needs to speak out.

Yet as I grow older, I can see the value of holding my tongue. Especially in private matters concerning my husband and I. I remember years ago sharing something privately with a young woman that I thought would be of help to her and her new husband. My husband was so upset with me for sharing what I did. I felt terrible afterwards.

Mr. Pete and I talk about this sort of thing frequently. His attitude is that if we have an experience that could be helpful to someone else, we should share it. I always tell him what I’m planning to blog about. I run other situations by him all of the time. I think it is important to respect our spouse’s privacy and to make sure they approve before we share anything too private.

This week I received a question that I felt should have the stamp, “Private” marked on it. It should never be asked. Not by me to another woman, nor another woman to me. Why? Well, let me give you the question first:

~~~As I read your digest I am in awe of your service to our Lord. Your words are an encouragement. I do have a question though. This ALWAYS runs through my mind as I read your e-mails. You seem to have a close relationship with the Lord yet you don’t seem to have been convicted about your womb being open to the Lord and His will of how many children you should have? I wondered why and if you have studied this area fully? I was NOT quiverfull minded and my eyes have been opened to letting the Lord be the Lord of my womb after much scripture study and also reading, A Full Quiver by Rick and Jan Hess. Any thoughts on this?~~~

Even when I read this question right now it causes my heart to beat a bit faster and I find myself shaking. You see, a woman’s womb is a very, very private place. I have never discussed in any of my writings what is going on in my womb. So how could anyone know? It is a private matter between my husband and I and our LORD.

This is a bit touchy. I think that overall she’s right. Everyone should have enough going on in their own lives without worrying about everyone else’s. But I think Christian writers who write to inspire and encourage should not be offended or surprised when their readers ask them about a certain area in their lives. I think by sharing and being open in some aspects you certainly are inviting inquiry and should be prepared to have an answer.

Surprisingly, I have seen several Christian women make their big announcement on the internet how they were done having children and then turn around and use this letter from Laine as their authorization to tell everyone else (particularly those who might disagree with their reasoning) to mind their own business. It all seems so silly to me! If you don’t want people to talk about your reproductive life – then keep it to yourself! When you put it on the internet the whole world can know about it! Then how silly is it to tell folks to mind their own business when in essence, it’s been brought it to their attention!

I know personally of two Christian women who were crushed by the words of other well-meaning Christian women. Why were they crushed? Because these well-meaning Christian women were telling them that they should have as many children as God wanted them to have and that they and their husband were sinning if they did otherwise. Did these advisers take into account their friend’s submission to their “own” husband? No. Did they take into account their friend’s health and their husband’s concern about it? No. Did they take into account that perhaps their friend could not have any more children? No. They just stated their beliefs and let the pain and guilt fall where it may.

That’s a powerful paragraph. Maybe this type of conversation is more prevalent in churches and denominations where the quiverful mindset is more the norm.

As a Catholic, I thought long and hard about this. I know many very good, holy, Godly women who only have one or two children because that is all that God has sent them. They didn’t contracept; they were open to new life. The fact that no more children were forthcoming was a great source of sadness for them and a constant cross for them to carry.

We are called to think the best of everyone unless they prove otherwise, and even then we are to give them the benefit of a doubt. I think it is best to assume that there are some special challenges and sorrows there, as there are for all of us in all vocations and walks of life, and leave it at that.

Oh that it could just be left at that! What happens to me usually more times that I can count is that someone will volunteer, “we’re through,” “I’m done,” ”One (two or three) is enough for me!” “I got snipped,” “He got fixed,” etc. etc. etc. I don’t want to know! Maybe because I usually have three or more kids with me it brings out this public unsolicited confession, but I’m not asking for it! So how do you respond? Laine points out that women are to be quiet and silent. However, the scriptures also say that we are to speak the truth in love. As most of the time, I DON’T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE that have just told me one of their most intimate details, I have simply taken to saying, “I’m sorry” and leaving it at that. I think those words say it all. It is not a validation, nor is it an acceptance. It also makes for a quick change of subject or a clean get away.

On the other hand, I think if one blogs about it with the intention of “offering encouragement and freedom from guilt,” that’s an entirely different circumstance. Critical thinking and constructive criticism should be expected. If it’s on the net it’s open for discussion.

Part 2 is more of a scriptural study. Laine’s exegesis is as interesting for the verses what she leaves out as for her interpretations of certain passages and emphasis on others. Hopefully I’ll have it up tomorrow or Saturday.