Someone wrote that on one of the Pre-Cana evaluations from yesterday. I will admit that reading that felt very similar to being slapped hard across the face.
I feel much better about it today, although I wonder what type of young woman would address another woman that way after that woman, a mother, had poured out her heart and her sorrow to a group of complete strangers with the hopes of helping them get a good start on their married life? Some 20-something young women continue to astonish and amaze me – and not in a good way.
I talk about my stillborn son, Raphael, a lot towards the end of our presentation on Marriage a Sacrament. It comes in the section of our talk regarding Openness to Children as a part of the Sacramental Marriage. I actually talk about all of my children and the special gifts they have taught me. My children have given me gifts and taught me things that I never would have had the opportunity to experience if I have been closed to having them. They are all a blessing.
But in a way, the very special suffering that came with losing my son Raphael brought with it a supernatural grace and the ability to grow in wisdom and knowledge through that grace. How can I not talk about that?
First of all I learned that God really does know what we need and He was so good to me to give the situation some humor, so that I could look back on it and have something to laugh about. You can read about that here
Raphael’s little body revealed to me the the dignity that there was in death and reminded me of the dignity of our human bodies, even before birth!
Having Raphael reminded me to pray for my loved ones that have already gone before me in heaven and he reminds me that I really need to make it to heaven so that I can finally hold and meet my son!
And finally and maybe most importantly, I learned how to suffer and how to join that suffering to Christ’s suffering to continue to be a mother to my other children.
Raphael’s life was short, but I believe it had meaning. I also believe that I can use the lessons he gave me to be of service to others and so I will speak about him as I will speak about any other aspect of my faith – with courage and truth.
I realize that as you are preparing for marriage it might not be fun to think about dead babies when you’d rather be thinking about what flavor of frosting to put on the second level of your wedding cake. Nonetheless, it’s probably better to be reminded that heartache happens and to start searching for the ways to process that through our Catholic faith than to be totally surprised and caught off guard by it later.
Any way, I am once again reminded that being a Titus 2 woman is challenging.. I also have to remind myself of my own advice:
Sometimes even with love, you can’t make the truth grow either. You can’t pound a seed into the rocky soil, or a soil devoid of nutrients, or surrounded by weeds and expect it to flourish. Regardless of how much you love that seed, or til it, water it and get it the proper amount of sunlight! The gardner simply can’t reach into that seed and push roots out, or force a stem to poke its little head through the seed shell, through the dirt and into the sunlight!! Only God can do that. And if the gardener thinks s/he can do this she’ll burn out quickly with deep disappointment.