One of the intesting things about this nation, where half of the country and the government (especially the judiciary) support “choice” is that there is a strong not-always-subtle current of what the “correct choice,” really is, not only in terms of abortion, but in many other areas that are really women and family issues, for example, hospital over home birth, formula over breastfeeding (although if you do breastfeed it is seen as a somewhat noble thing as long as it doesn’t go past six months, and certainly not over a year and if you attempt anything near the world average of 4 years egads! that’s almost pedophilia!!), public school over homeschooling etc. Although there may be small but strong counter cultural movements in all of these areas, with even the legal rights to choose the less popular choice, those choice are often looked down upon, persecuted and in some cases prosecuted!
Gretchen Ritter has taken aim at Stay At Home Moms in the Austin American Statesman with enthusiastic voracity. As a stay-at-home mom for 15 years I’d like to comment on some of her remarks.
It is time to have an honest conversation about what is lost when women stay home. In a nation devoted to motherhood and apple pie, what could possibly be wrong with staying home to care for your children?
Several things, I think.
It denies men the chance to be involved fathers. This is a loss for them and a loss for their children. What does it mean when fathers are denied the opportunity to nurture their kids in ways that are as important as their work?
OK this is 15 years of SAHM (stay-at-home-mom), 25-years with the same man (in a row!) worth of experience talking here. She’s nuts. When one parent is home to keep the homestead running smoothly, (OK, or at least running) that gives the other parent time to concentrate on work without worrying about what’s going on with the little ones. Additionally, in my experience, at the end of the day those kids are so tired of the SAHM they can’t wait until daddy comes home!! He could smell like a sewer and be covered in gunk and they’d still run up to him screaming, “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!!!” Come to think of it, when I was a kid, and my grandpa came home (he was my father figure) my sister and I did the same thing. I even have a picture of him pulling in to the driveway in his green chevy because that was such an important part of my day at one time! So, Gretchen is just simply nuts on this one. Those kids are ready for some daddy time, and if dinner is done, and the house reasonably clean (not Martha Stewart clean – Rosanne clean will do) then he has the opportunity to be a Dad.
What do the children miss when they don’t have fathers changing their diapers, picking them up from school, coaching soccer, making breakfast or dinner and doing homework with them?
One wonders if this chick is married with kids? In my experience, kids poop and pee 24/7. So there are plenty of opportunities to change diapers. Most soccer teams practice after work because that’s when parents can usually get them there! My husband is in his 5th year of coaching. He comes right from work and runs around in his work shoes on the soccer field.
Breakfast and dinner I would gladly pass to someone else and am in the process of trying to get my older kids to do it. I think that is why my grandma at the end of her life wasn’t afraid to die – she was tired of planning menues! I didn’t understand that then. I get it now!! These aren’t the high points of life that Ms. Ritter seems to think they are.
As for doing homework? I know plenty of dads who do flash cards with their kids. The real trick is getting them to do algebra. Amazing how my husband hasn’t bugged me to “Oh please let me work with Calvin on his algebra!” Funny, he wasn’t too excited about English either. Mr. Pete is interested in doing 9th grade religion though.
Women who stay at home also lose out — they lose a chance to contribute as professionals and community activists.
Three words Mrs. Ritter – part-time work! I’ve had a business in my home since my oldest was an infant. Other SAHM, homeschooling moms work on the weekends or the evenings. But I’ve had plenty of time to contribute to “activities.” Last week being an example, I drove 10 kids last week to our local Food Ministry to serve meals to underpriviledged kids. Something I never did in middle management at Blue Cross! In fact in my experience, you tend to get into more community activities because you want your children to serve. I don’t think this is exclusive of SAHMs, but I certainly am available at other hours where I wouldn’t be if I were working a 1st shift job.
Parenting is an important social contribution. But we need women in medicine, law, education, politics and the arts. It is not selfish to want to give your talents to the broader community — it is an important part of citizenship to do so, and it is something we should expect of everyone.
Ah, catch the subtle nuances there. “We should expect” meaning of course that the choice to stay home is what “we don’t expect!” So if it is not selfish to want to give your talents to a broader community, it is somehow selfish to want to be focused on home?
And in reality why do women have to choose? A woman could spend some years at home, some years working, some years volunteering. If it’s a “pro-choice” country why can’t she choose to do all three one at a time?
Full-time mothering is also bad for children. It teaches them that the world is divided by gender.
Uh… the world IS divided by gender. That’s why we have women’s and men’s bathrooms, women’s and men’s soccer teams, women’s and men’s clothing. I mean that’s really a ridiculous argument. Men and women are different and viva la difference!!
This sends the wrong message to our sons and daughters. I do not want our girls to grow up thinking they must marry and have children to be successful,
But the truth of it is, at the end of your life, if you wanted to be surrounded by love and support, you have to have devoted your life in some great portion to other people on a close level. That could be as a wife and mother, it could be as a great aunt, or as a beloved teacher, nurse, volunteer. But that really is the true measure of success in life – how much you were loved by others and how much good that love brought to the world.
or that you can only be a good mother if you give up your work.
I’ve had great friends and family who have done both. I think they would be the first to say that it’s not easy but it is doable. But nonetheless, why should a mother be told she HAS to do both if she chooses to do one or the other? Again where is the real “choice” here.
Nor do I want boys to think that caring for families is women’s work and making money is men’s work. Our sons and daughters should grow up thinking that raising and providing for a family is a joint enterprise among all the adults in the family.
Exactly.. and part of that joint enterprise can be the traditional roles of homemaker and breadwinner. I don’t feel any less a part of our family business just because Pete is the entrepreneur. In fact, I feel like I’m more in control because he doesn’t have time to do the other stuff. yet we are both working for the success of this family and marriage.
The new stay-at-home motherhood movement parallels the movement to create the “perfect” child. It’s not just that mothers are home with their children; they are engaged with their children constantly so they will “develop” properly. Many middle-class parents demand too much of their children. We enroll them in soccer, religious classes, dance, art, piano, French lessons, etc., placing them on the quest for continuous self-improvement.
I tend to agree with her there, but not all SAHM families are into the rat race. We try hard not to be although soccer season is a killer! We want the real focus to be on our family.
Finally, the stay-at-home mother movement is bad for society. It tells employers that women who marry and have children are at risk of withdrawing from their careers, and that men who marry and have children will remain fully focused on their careers, regardless of family demands. Both lessons reinforce sex discrimination.
I don’t think it is bad for society if employers make it easier for families (fathers and mothers) to parent their children.
This movement also privileges certain kinds of families, making it harder for others. The more stay-at-home mothers there are, the more schools and libraries will neglect the needs of working parents, and the more professional mothers, single mothers, working-class mothers and lesbian mothers will feel judged for their failure to be in a traditional family and stay home their children.
OH, but it’s OK for Mrs. Ritter to make SAHMs feel like failures for not jumping onto the career bandwagon. The double standard. The “my choice is the only right choice” movement.
By creating an expectation that mothers could and should stay home, we lose sight of the fact that most parents do work
By creating an expectation that mothers should work, we lose sight of the fact that many moms stay at home. So how about accepting both choices?
Raising children is one of the most demanding and rewarding of jobs. It is also a job that should be shared, between parents and within communities, for the sake of us all.
While I highly doubt Ms. Ritter is Catholic, I would like to point out that hers is not a Catholic perspective. While as a Catholic Christian I see my place as helping my children, my husband, my neighbors in getting through this life and into heaven, supporting them in the moral choices they make for their families, realizing that my crosses are mine and theirs are theirs and helping each other with the load. We weep and laugh together. However,the children are gifts and responsibilities to their parents and in the end only the parents will be held accountable for them by God.
Please feel free to leave a comment under the posting, or sign my Spiritbook (guestbook). You can chat with me on the tag board to the right!
