The Christmas cards have been written, now I just need to get some stamps. I need one more gift for my darlin goddaughter Natalie… Happy Birthday Sweetheart!! I need to wrap the gifts and hit the grocery store. AND since I am playing a harmony part on Gesu Bambino at church tomorrow and my need-to-get-that-bifocal-prescription-filled eyes can’t make out the notes from the piano score – I’ll have to figure those out and write in the note names above. Guess I can do that tonight sometimes. The kids still have swim practice today (it’s good for them and takes some of the hyper Christmas energy down to a livable level.) But the Christmas Water Heater has been installed (don’t ask!) and supplies an abundance of hot water for everything… kewl!! I also really should try to finish one of my dictation tapes today so that I can get caught up before Dr. M gets back from vacation.

However, after 1:00, when I get my swimmers home from practice and rinse the fresh sent of chlorine out of their hair, I will finally be in full Christmas mode!

As we did last year, we are starting out our holiday by visiting our youngest family member, Raphael, out at Holy Cross Cemetery. This would have been his first Christmas. If he had lived he would have marveled at the Christmas lights, and we would no doubt be keeping him away from the tree with all of the ornaments hung a good two feet from the bottom. His siblings would have plied him with Christmas cookies until his little belly ached. I’d be going through the boxes looking for that little red and white Christmas outfit that is so warm and snuggly and thinking about what to wear to church myself that I could feel comfortable playing my flute in and yet nursing Raph if he couldn’t make it through mass.

But that’s not the Christmas we’re having. Instead we will go out to Holy Cross. It snowed last night so all of the decorations on all of the graves that reflects all of the love between this world and the next will be especially beautiful. We will visit Raphael’s grave and sing Silent Night and then I will sprinkle the glitter I bought just especially for the occasion. I got a really big bottle this year. If the parents for the new babies can’t be at their babies graves, I’ll give them some glitter too and maybe some other graves that don’t see much attention – Did I mention that I got a really big bottle this year? And I won’t be sad. I’ll try to make this something my other children really look forward to. Something that they will want to do when they’re older and think of their brother. I’ll point out all of the dollies, and teddy bears, and toys and flowers and balloons and all of the other things that have been left in babyland. Will add more Christmas bulbs to the bushes by the angel, and if any other parents are there we’ll ask them to join us in song.

Then we will take my 14 year old to church so that he can perform with the bell choir. In his shirt and tie, with his dress shoes on, he looks like a man. A handsome, mature man. Only his dad and I know he’s more like a young pup trapped inside his overgrown body. Yet when that huge, body hits the water it glides through with elegance and grace and some of that I see in his “dry land” appearance as well. He is becoming, slowly, bit by bit, a strong, capable, even gracious young man… OK who still terrorizes his siblings and reigns like Attilla the babysitter, but still… he has the potential to be a great young man.

We’ll read stories tonight, maybe have mom over for the early evening and then get all the kids to bed to put the gifts out under the tree. My little ones still believe in Santa, although they know he is really St. Nick who is part of the communion of saints and was a bishop years ago etc. etc. My 10 year old finally asked me if the flying around the world, North Pole, giving presents to everyone, Rudolph etc. was true. I told him no, that was a lot of mythology and he said he had suspected as much. He couldn’t figure out how an Asian Bishop ended up at the North Pole! I asked him if because he knew Santa and the tooth fairy were fantasy whether he doubted Jesus was real. He said, “Mom, they don’t build churches to Santa and the tooth fairy!!” Smart Kid!!

I feel very close to Mary today. Not the sorrowful mother, but Mary, the new mom, with the tiny baby. I want to touch some of that joy, some of that awe. I want to share her baby and at the same time hope that she will hold mine in her arms and love him like I would have if he were here. I want to hold Jesus and thank him for humbling himself to come into this world, so tiny, so helpless, and yet in a form we couldn’t help but love and want. I want to look on Christ today.